It started on April 11, 2016. My cat, Miso, had been losing weight and sneezing for the past year. His personality was still there, it’s just he was just losing weight. I got him when he was a kitten in 2001. I have two other cats, Bug & Soda. I was feeding them when I noticed Miso was even thinner. When you live with a pet every day, you can miss the subtle changes. He also didn’t eat. I realized that he was telling me his time was approaching. I immediately looked up euthanizing on the internet to see what was local. I found a place called Lap Of Love who come to your house. That was perfect. I didn’t want Miso to be stressed out by a car ride. I wrote them and got the by the next day, had an appointment scheduled for Saturday April 16th. I actually felt bad keeping him around until then. He was really having trouble breathing. He had to find a good position for his face so he could breathe. Once the appointment was made, I started to grieve. I usually meditate once a day, but I started to do twice so I could get in touch with my feelings and also send Miso energy to help his transition.
A few weeks before, I had a session with an animal communicator. I wondered how all of my cats were doing. What I got back was everyone was fine and loved me very much. When Miso was asked about his sneezing, he said his energy was low and that he knew he wouldn’t be around much longer.
Tuesday night, I gave treats to all the cats. Miso ate up as many as I put in front of him. I felt better and planned to give him treats every night since he only had a few days left. Tuesday was the last time I saw him eat anything. He had been drinking more water over the past year and had developed the habit of going into the shower after I used it and drinking the water that was there. I saw him go to drink water out of his bowl, but stop. I thought maybe he couldn’t breath because the bowl was beneath him on the floor. Maybe if he drank out of the shower faucet, he could breathe easier. He responded to it and this became a portion of our quality time together. He drank two or three times during the evening so at least he was getting some water.
All three cats had spots on the bed at night. They weren’t always there, but Miso was my shadow. He was usually there, but this week, he wasn’t there that much. I have a Tom Kenyon cd called Songs of Magdelan. There is a song on it called I & My Beloved. When I first heard the song eleven years before, I felt this is the music I want to hear when I transition. It was just so beautiful. Thursday night, I put on the cd as I was going to bed. Miso was on the floor near the bed. With tears in my eyes I said to him, “This is for you Miso”. Before the end of the first song, he jumped onto the bed and sat down by my side. The song I & My Beloved is the second song on the cd.
I was drifting in and out of consciousness while the cd was on. Suddenly I saw a grassy hillside and saw what I would call bubbles in the grass. What I immediately felt was I was seeing the cells of the grass and they were vibrating. At the same time this is happening, I feel a presence come into me. These two things happening within a few seconds when all of the sudden, Miso puts his paw on my hand and it snaps me out of it. I spoke with a friend of mine and what she got about that is it was Miso’s higher self coming in and when Miso touched me, it was to share his higher and lower selves with me at the same time.
It was around this time that I really became conscious of Miso’s unconditional love for me. I knew he was here for me to help me through some situations, but also to keep me grounded. As the days counted down, I wept while feeling that love from him. A love I never asked for, but he gave freely and consistently. It was one particular meditation where that broke through. I didn’t realize there were still deep parts of me that resisted a pets, or a persons, unconditional love because I did not love myself at that level. I felt I finally allowed his love into the deep areas and felt it instantly heal them. I wept intensely.
Friday was his last full day. I usually changed the litter boxes on the weekends, but I wanted to do it on Friday because I didn’t know how I’d feel on Saturday. While I was changing them I realized I only have to put out two litter boxes now instead of three. Miso wasn’t eating and he started drinking less also. I cleaned the boxes, and then put one in the closet. It was weird seeing only two after over a decade of seeing three. Then I fed them and did the same thing; I washed all the bowls, and put one away. I felt ok with it, but it was emotional to look at.
Miso wanted to get under the sink in the bathroom. He seemed curious. I thought that was a good sign. I opened the doors and let him in which I normally wouldn’t. After being in the a few minutes, he sat down on a folded up shower curtain and that’s when it hit me; he’s chosen his place to die. I kept the doors open from then on.
There were times I had to walk away and occupy myself. Give myself a break from all of this. When Miso went under the sink, I went to watch tv for a little bit. About a half hour later, I went to check on him. When I saw him under the sink, his mouth was open and I thought he had died. I said, “Oh my God!” out loud. Miso woke up and noticing my reaction, got up and walked out from the sink as if to say, “No, I’m still here! See, I’m walking around!”
From that point on, I couldn’t switch off from him. I sat in front of the sink and meditated for and with him. When I closed my eyes, I immediately felt and saw a light being in my crown chakra. I also saw two rainbows in the distance. It wasn’t until the next day that I remembered that pets go to Rainbow Bridge when they pass. I wasn’t sure he would make it through the night. I said to him that if he chose to go that night, I was ok with it, but I felt I wanted to be with him when he did go. I had to fight myself to get to sleep that night. I kept waking up every hour and a half and would look in the dark to see if he was out. Surprisingly, he was. He was just sitting, not doing anything. I only got about four hours sleep that night.
Saturday, April 16th. The doctor was coming at 12:30. That morning felt so long. I would spend time with Miso, and then take a little break. The doctor called and said she’d be there at about 12:50. I sat with him, I cried. I talked with my other cats saying Miso was about to leave us. The doctor came and she spoke to me about what would happen. I had experienced this before thirteen years previously, but I didn’t have any time to grieve beforehand then. This time, I had four and a half days to grieve and be with Miso.
The doctor said she’d give a sedative first, then the drug that helps him pass. She said some cats can pass with just the sedative. I thought for sure Miso would do that figuring he was tired just trying to breathe. She also said cats can go like a light switch; one moment here, then gone. I got Miso from under the sink and had my final walk with him in my arms. I put him on a towel on my couch. He tried to get away when being given the sedative. It was his last display of his personality. Once that was done, he calmed down. But he didn’t pass and I was surprised. I kept petting him and saying I loved him and that I would miss him. The doctor waited a minute or so for the sedative to take full effect. Then she injected the final dose. I watched the tube; some of Miso’s blood came out, then she pushed the drug in. As soon as it hit him, he stopped breathing. I wept at that moment, but later I realized it was more relief than upset that he was gone. I was happy that he was finally free and at peace. The clock read 12:53.
The doctor said it would be good to have the other cats come in and see Miso so they knew what was happening. The other two are skittish so I carried Miso into the bedroom and put the cats in front of him. Soda left pretty quickly. Bug sniffed him a bit, and then left. The doctor brought in a basket to take Miso’s body away to be cremated. I didn’t ask for his ashes, but I did get a clay paw print and some fur which felt right to me. I carried Miso in the basket out to the doctor’s car and said my final goodbye to him. It was after this that interesting things happened.
I actually felt alright the rest of the day between grieving and that night I spoke with a friend on the phone who is a Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator like myself. We do shares over the phone. It’s meditating with an intention we call Creation Statements. It’s about what we want to manifest in the now and nothing else.
After the share, I was in the bathroom and noticed a line indention in my skin on the side of my right eye. I had never seen that before. There wasn’t one on the other side. Because Miso had just passed that day I asked my guidance if this had to do with him and got ‘yes’. My ‘yes’ is a tingle in my right hand; a ‘no’ is a tingle in my left. I noticed the line the next day also. In meditation, I asked if it was something from a past life with the soul of Miso. He and I had incarnated together before, both as human. The answer I got was there was a lifetime where he accidently killed me, and the line represented where it happened. In a meditation, I said out loud to Miso that I forgave him and another grief wave came over me. But this one was different. I don’t know how I knew, but I could tell immediately the grief was not mine, it was Miso’s. I forgave him and he grieved with relief just like I did the moment he stopped breathing. I had never had that experience before. The next day as I was getting ready to go to work, I was doing some yoga. I was facing a wall I’ve always faced and suddenly noticed something on the wall. I’ve lived in this apartment for over four years and I never noticed it until now. There was an indention on the wall that was unmistakably the outline of a cat and I did not notice it until two days after Miso passed. I knew it was him.
The day before, on Sunday, I could feel a palpable sense of peacefulness in my apartment. I had never felt that before and that strong. It was wonderful. I thought it was what Miso’s passing had created. It wasn’t until later in the day I asked myself if this peacefulness was me and got ‘yes’. That amazed me that I was putting this feeling out so much that I felt it coming back to me.
Miso showed me unconditional love right to, and after, his transition and that was very healing for me. I also realized that Miso helped me get to self-actualization. I was a psychology major in college and I hardly remember any of it except for Maslow’s triangle. I remember saying to another psych major that I wanted to be self-actualized someday, even though I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. I would’ve found it very hard to believe if I was told a future pet cat of mine would get me there. One of Miso’s agreements was to help me get there. The validation came when talking to a friend and telling everything that had happened. I was sitting with an Organite Pyramid that was made specifically for me. While talking, I was running my finger of the top point when my friend said something about being self-actualized. Right then, I knew I had instant validation; I had reached the top of the Maslow’s Triangle. I actually had a bit of a hard time accepting that I was actually there. I had actually achieved something I said I wanted years before and hadn’t really thought about too much. Then, what felt like suddenly, I was there with confirmation. Even as I write this, it’s still amazing to me. It’s great to feel worthy of it which was the hesitation in accepting I was actually there; I was surprised I felt worthy to be there. A lot of work had shown itself to me in that moment; I didn’t realize I felt that worthy; it just happened as I continued to work on myself. Miso’s passing made all of that conscious.
During the next week, I had a few grief waves, but felt maybe it wasn’t enough. That I should grieve a little more, but that feeling quickly subsided. I knew I was doing however much I needed to do. I had one on the Tuesday after that was the most intense. I was sitting in a chair when it came on and I doubled over. I was pushing my fingernails really hard into my palm. It stayed at this intensity for maybe ten seconds, which even while going through it felt like a long time. I wondered when it was going to end. Not because it was emotionally upsetting, but because of the intensity. It felt like I was pushing all of the energy I had on this out of me all at once. After that, the grief waves stopped until the next Saturday. I relived the whole thing as the time of 12:53pm came around. It was intentional and I grieved for what so far has been the last time.
The next day, I did another Trinity share by phone and afterwards looked in the mirror again. The line had reappeared. As I looked at it and it suddenly became clear to me what it was; it was an indention from my phone against my face. In the past, this would have made me doubt the guidance I got about it being a past life injury, but what I couldn’t overlook was that I’ve had the same phone for a year and a half. The day I notice that this happens is the day Miso passes. There is a reason why I noticed it at that time and it was to keep my trust in what my guidance showed me. The same with the cat indent on the wall. I asked if it had been there as long as I’ve been living there and got ‘yes’, but I didn’t notice it until two days after Miso passes. That’s not a coincidence.
The unconditional love I allowed in from Miso helped me show Bug & Soda more affection than I had before. It was easier to get to. Plus when I had three cats, I couldn’t pet them all at the same time. Someone was always not getting petted. But now with only two cats, I can pet both at the same time. I wasn’t aware of how Miso was always around me most of the time. The first week he was gone, I really missed him. I didn’t realize I would miss a cat always being near me in the same room. With the past life revelation, I can now see why he stuck to me like glue as much as he could; he was making up for that lifetime. I was told this was his last incarnation. He was here to help me through a few things. It was hard to grasp how peeing on the carpet was helping me. I was told it was to ground me as I went through some big stuff. Couldn’t you just give me a pep talk, Miso? Maybe he had, numerous times, but it didn’t quite register that way.
Miso’s passing and the unconditional love I still feel from him, along with the past life info, have made this an amazing growth experience for me. I have called to him in my meditations and he shows up every time. It has been truly wonderful to know love at this level and more so, to allow myself love at this level which I hadn’t felt I was worthy of. Now I do and I easily accept and give it.
Something happened while I was writing this. I wrote up to the day Miso passed and needed to take a break from it. I was feeling sad and got down on the floor to with Soda. Bug knows when petting is happening and he’s not the one receiving it. He came into the room and Soda moved into the kitchen. Let me set the scene; it’s about 7:30 at night. Still a bit light, but getting dark. I don’t have a light on in the kitchen, where Soda is, or the room Bug and myself are in, but there is a light on in the living room, which is shining some light into these two rooms. Soda is sitting looking right at me and I’m looking at him. Suddenly, I see a small black object appear to be falling right behind Soda. It hits the floor and Soda scatters. I turn on the light in the kitchen and nothing is there. Nothing had fallen and it wasn’t Soda making a move first, and then scaring himself. I saw a falling black object appear and heard it make a sound. Since I was thinking about Miso, I asked my guidance if that was Miso and got ‘yes’. I laughed. He knew I could find it funny when Soda & Bug get scared like that. I got that he did it to help me feel better rather than feel sad about him. It was perfect.