Being God in the Shower

Before I meditated I never liked insects. If I saw them in my apartment I would kill them. I never liked the thought or feeling of them crawling on me. After I had been meditating for a year or so and hearing that we are all connected, I started to leave insects alone as much as I could. I noticed that spiders only stay in a place for a week or so. I’m guessing if no food comes along they move on and in my bathroom there is little chance of food flying into their webs. That helped ease my fear of them moving around a lot. I felt if I didn’t kill them that more would come and sometimes that is true. Ants in particular but I don’t get too many of those where I am now.

Cockroaches I can have a hard time with. There are times I still will kill them. I knew I made progress the first time I didn’t kill one. It was on the ceiling not moving. I realized I am ok with insects if they aren’t moving. I sat and send this cockroach love. I felt pretty good about it. It hung out on the ceiling not moving all day. I went to bed and the next morning it was gone. But the next day it was back so I sent it more love. It stayed there all day then it stopped coming back. I was glad I could allow one to just be.

This story starts in the shower. One morning I saw an insect trying to climb up the tub to get away from the water. I reached out to it and helped it out of the tub onto the floor then went back to my shower. What struck me right then is this is what God is doing all the time. I could see the bigger picture that the insect couldn’t see. Where it would be best to get to, how far away it was and felt this is what God does too. It sees the bigger picture and that help we receive may not seem like help at the time. That bug may resist my help because it doesn’t know what is happening or about to happen. Will it be better? Will it be worse? Panic and protecting itself may step in.

It’s understandable. Maybe someone’s house being ripped apart by a tornado is actually God helping to move that person to a better place. Ultimately, it’s our own choice of how to look at every situation. What I truly realized in the shower was I am God. Not a god, but God. We all are. We all are a piece of God experiencing itself. I felt truly happy when I realized that. I had helped a small insect out of a possible end of its life by drowning or being stepped on by me. The thing is though, that I don’t know if it was for the best for that insect. I could’ve stepped on it when I got out and didn’t even know it. It could’ve got caught in a spider web. Many things could’ve happened that by me doing what I did enabled it to happen.

But it also could’ve flourished by my action. It could’ve found its way back to where it was going. It could’ve found food. Had a self-realization that it was more than an insect and it too is God experiencing itself! I feel I didn’t know the biggest picture like God does, but the feeling I had was the biggest picture. I didn’t need to know all that would happen with this insect. I only needed to know the feeling I had in that moment. I felt happy. I felt good, I felt I am considerate. I felt I am compassionate. I felt true to myself and therefore true to my soul and God which is me. It reminded me of Jesus saying, ‘That which you do unto the least of my brothers, that you do unto me.’ As I type this the realization is that within this quote he is saying even an insect is his brother. There is no difference between his actual brother and an insect.

I listened to my feelings and followed through. There is nothing else to do. If that is all you ever do then you are doing God’s work which is your own work which is God’s work which is your work which is God’s work which is.

On A Spiritual Journey, There Is No Movement

Most people feel there is a destination to reach when on their spiritual journey. You feel growth and that is the equivalent feeling of “movement”. People go for many months, years even decades and at some point they feel like they’re hardly moved. Some situation happens where there is a feeling or realization that they feel they’ve hardly moved at all. This can turn people away from continuing on their path and it can be upsetting and dishearten.

The truth of this is much easier to live with once you realize that on a spiritual journey there is no movement. The only thing you actually do is consciously choose to get on that path. But the path doesn’t “move” anywhere. The main objective is to be completely accepting of where you are and nothing else.

People can tend to think that all of their problems and issues will go away once they get “there”. And they work, meditate, join groups, meditate, make new friends, meditate, change their lifestyle and meditate some more. All of that is great if that’s where it takes you. But that’s just it; it doesn’t “take” you anywhere. These changes come to you by your choice because you have changed your vibration to match those vibrations. You didn’t move one inch and you got all the things you’ve suddenly feel you are now worthy of while standing in the same spot. Where you are, physically, emotionally and spiritually, is irrelevant.

It’s just like time being vertical instead of horizontal. It’s all happening now. So why would conscious awareness need movement in order to be? If time is all now and not now or later, why would spiritual awakening be anywhere other than right where you are? You just haven’t chosen it until that point in time.

What throws people about a spiritual journey most can be the thinking that problems will go away and life will be completely free of them. It can be if that’s what you choose and aren’t blocking it in any way from happening. But what most people miss is it isn’t that your life will be free of problems, it’s really about how you respond to what happens. You can either choose to react or respond. If we choose to react, we come from emotion and the unconscious. Memories get replayed. If we choose to respond, we come from objectivity and the conscious. Who we are gets remembered.

Where did the idea for this blog come? From having a situation that triggered and deep unconscious reaction and being aware enough to look at it objectively while still allowing myself to feel the emotions and choose to change it. It was not pleasant at all but was it worth it? Completely. Even as I go through it, I can see that, but I do lose sight of it sometimes. That’s when I remember get myself back to who I really am. And all of that, the remembering and forgetting, is all in the spot where I have always been.

Everyone is still a spiritual being whether they have problems or not. If everyone remembered this they would no longer judge themselves when they do forget. You’re still a spiritual being whether you are loving yourself or cursing out someone else. All of it is spiritual. There is nothing that isn’t spiritual. And, surprise, you’ve always been in the exact same spot! You haven’t moved an inch! And yet, look at how much you have grown! The spot you have always been in changes because you change. The spot is you and only changes when you change. It’s as simple as that. It only turns into a rut when you choose for it to be.

In Conversations With God: Book Three, author Neale Donald Walsch asks if we are forever doomed an eternal journey to nowhere. The response was that there was no journey and that you are right now what you are attempting to be. I read that not too soon after writing the majority of this blog. It validates what I’ve written here. In this and other books, Walsch questions whether these answers are coming from God or his own conscience. The answer is what does it matter? Could he think of a better way to live? What that says to me is not only is there no movement for our journey, but all of the “movement” is inside of us. Call it guidance, conscience, higher self, God or whatever you want, it is all within us. All of the growth needed to achieve whatever point we wish to reach. Even beyond it. That point is always changing and moving and so are we.

There is nothing to “do” as a spiritual being. There is only being. That can be hard to accept because we are always doing. There is nothing to do. There is nowhere to be. And there is nowhere to move. You just are. All situations ‘happen’ to you in your spot just as you ‘happen’ in everyone else’s spot and since everyone is just a reflection of our self, then it’s really our self ‘happening’ to our self in the same spot. And if you can feel comfortable with all of that, then you can feel comfortable with the fact that on a spiritual journey, there is no movement.



Taking Down the Pedestal

pedestal-carry-finalIt happens to everyone; people put others on a pedestal for various reasons. For me, it all comes down to one reason; I was looking for something outside of myself that I felt I could not be myself. Notice what I said: I could not BE myself. It happens all the time in the spiritual community. And it may not be one sided; the person on the pedestal, consciously or unconsciously, knows they are on it and some want to keep it that way.

I did this with girlfriends. Without someone who loves me, I wasn’t complete. I did this with my mother; she’s always right because she yells the loudest. That may not seem like a reason to put someone on a pedestal, but when you’re young, there are no requirements for this. It just happens. My mother was one of those where the person felt they should be on the pedestal. Why? “Because I’m the mother, that’s why!” That’s what I mean by yelling the loudest. Why did she yell loudly? Because she is exclusively externally validated.

What I’ve realized about myself is I’ve taken people off of the pedestal, but the pedestal remained. When I’ve taken people off, there is a pull away from that person. Usually this has been precipitated by a blow up that confuses me. I try to figure out what is going on while my ego is also trying to grab the ground it feels is rightly its own. But I focus on the conversation and what’s being said because the other persons’ ego is doing the same thing. I ask honest questions and unwittingly aggravate the situation and feel more confused by it.

An unconscious message I received from my mother was that I am responsible for other peoples’ feelings. If I upset anyone, it’s my job to make them feel better along with fixing the situation. That’s where this all comes from. When this situation is happening, I am being the mirror to the other and the other is getting more and more upset with me for reflecting back what they’ve said and I get confused. That’s my part of keeping this going is the confusion because I keep asking questions based on what was said and what was said was ego based and doesn’t hold up under questioning.

I have been on the other side of this fence many times also. It’s not a pleasant experience when I calm down, and it would feed my big sense of unworthiness at that time. It said, “See? See what happens when you talk about how you feel and it’s upsetting to someone else?” How I felt was never taken into consideration at all… and what that can do is create someone who doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings because the message is “emotions are too painful.”

This year (2016) I had some soreness in my left wrist and the top of my arm. Nothing happened to make it so, it just slowly showed up. I would do yoga and realize there were positions I had a harder time doing because of my wrist. I also realized my balance seemed to be worse than I remember it. Doing the Tree position was always a challenge, but I had gotten better at it. Suddenly, it seemed I really couldn’t hold it even for the brief time I had been able to. I couldn’t stop wobbling. The same with the Warrior Two movements; those I never had a balance issue until this time.

So, with all of the above in the background, I had another back-and-forth with a close friend. This wasn’t the first one, but it was a side I started to see more of with this person and the same scenario above played itself out. When this happens, I have the hardest time letting it go until I feel I understand the whole thing. I let myself get locked into a loop. A day later, after unplugging from it by doing something for myself, it came into focus; I had this person still on a pedestal. I say still because I was already aware I had done that, but I thought I had taken care of it. I hadn’t, so I did right then in meditation.

I realized not only did I have this person on a pedestal, but also I was holding the pedestal up. Why would I create a pedestal and not be the one to hold it up? It’s mine so I’m going to hold it. Picture that; there is someone on a pedestal, under them is the pedestal (I always pictured it as a solid marble Roman column), under that is me holding both up. Not only did I put myself under the person, but also I am under the pedestal, which is also my creation. I am below my own creation. The pedestal deserves more than I give myself because it holds the person who “makes” me feel better about myself. But the old patterns still apply; if that person “makes” me feel bad, it’s their responsibility to “make” me feel good, right? For me: yes and no. Yes because of the pattern, but no because I am unworthy to feel good because I have “made” people feel bad in the past, so, in the long run, no.

I have done this with women most throughout my life, and this case was no different. The next morning I put it together that maybe the soreness in my wrist and arm was because I was holding up a person and a pedestal and it made sense since the left is the feminine side. I went into meditation and removed the person and the pedestal. The next day I did a couple of exercises that used my wrist and upper arm and they were not sore at all. I did Tree and Warrior Two and my balance was like I remembered it.

What is striking about this is the soreness I had felt for months on and off. I felt it was telling me this is coming to the surface. By being aware of it for months, it would be in the forefront of my consciousness when the reason for it being there came up. It also pointed out to me what I was being shown all along but avoided seeing until now: The reason this kept happening was because I wasn’t fully aware I kept doing it. Each time it happened was a chance to change it and I never took it until now because I didn’t feel worthy enough to totally rely on myself for what I always looked for outside of me: completeness, wholeness and unconditional love of myself. I will say the soreness didn’t completely disappear initially, though it was less sore. It would come and go but not as much or often. Sometimes it can take a little time to work itself out while I’m still meditating on what came up. As I write this, I don’t think about it as much because I no longer vibrate at that frequency.

Things were sorted out between my friend and I. We each looked within ourselves and dealt with whatever was being shown to us. We didn’t need to talk about it afterwards. Now rather than having only two points marked ‘black’ and ‘white’, I’ve allowed the full color spectrum and relationship to exist anywhere on that line. The reason the only choices were black and white was because of the void I looked to be filled by someone else. Either you did it or you didn’t. And the reason it always failed was I never said to that person, “I am looking for someone to fill this. Will you be that person?” It was all internal and the other had no idea it was happening. Actually, they usually did have a feeling, all the way to a knowing it was happening, as did I except when I was submerged in it. I now live on an infinite continuum rather than two confined points. The only way I can achieve that is to allow myself to be anywhere on the continuum.

What brought these experiences to me was the energy of the pedestal. It brought people to me, not to fill the void I felt I had, but to make me aware of the pedestal itself so that I would consciously remove it. The whole process was agreed upon at a higher level. What’s important to me is my end of it and how I feel based on living my truth. As long as I know I am in that, that’s all there is. And it’s the same for the other person but their truth may not sync up with mine. How can truth not sync up with itself? The more you delve into details, the more ego is involved. But someone can still disagree with someone else about something and still be living their truth. On a higher level, the truth is about something more broad and expansive. Just because we disagree on something doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. That’s the bigger truth. It does sync up with someone else’s truth because it’s the same truth. The higher you go, the more truth syncs up with itself because there are fewer of them. The lower you go, the less it does. And what looks like a disagreement on the lower level may be a higher-level thing playing itself out. For me, it’s living my truth and allowing a disagreement to exist between another and myself and continuing to love that person and myself. That was baffling to me because the shock I absorbed when I was young was, “You agree with me on everything regardless of whatever else I do or say.” That’s where all the mirror questions would come from and they were scary to say because there was always ‘consequences.’ An intense energy coming at me in the form of “Accept what I am saying and stop questioning me,” which is merely showing the lack of self-worth from the other and myself because if it’s in my reality, I asked for it to be there for a reason.

It is an amazing lesson to finally learn. The more you resist becoming aware of the lessons you ask to learn before incarnating, the more intense they are going to come to you until you get it. It may make an exciting story, but it is not needed. We don’t need to learn lessons by intense situations. That energy can be better spent moving more freely and progressing your soul. At the end of your life, you could be at the 600-mile marker or have gone so far that you went off the planet and don’t need to come back. You achieved all. And that choice is unique to everyone.

My Vote

I didn’t vote for any candidate. I voted for unconditional love. How that manifests itself can look like anything but that. We all create our own experience and we can choose it to be graceful or resistant. Trump getting elected has brought people out of themselves and start really soul searching. That’s what I voted for.

People weren’t looking deep enough at themselves and many refused to do it. This has brought that out. This is what I voted for. This is the path to unconditionally loving and accepting yourself as the divine being you are and have always been. And that includes both candidates. They are as equally divine as you and I and this election is filled with lessons for them as well.

For me, this is a real commitment to living in unconditional love. I may go in and out of it as things occur, but that is only a reflection of me and no one else. Only I am responsible for my experience. Everyone else, including Trump, is a reflection of me that it is best for me to see at that moment and the same goes for everyone else; I am a reflection of you whenever I meet you.

This election is truly an opportunity to wake up to your divinity. Trump will definitely bring a change, but are you open to the change going on right now within yourself? If you are fearful, ask why and allow whatever comes up to be seen and heard. This is how you can change the world by listening to your own guidance and following it. Nothing else is needed to be done. Be the example to everyone else and they will be inspired by you. Pretty soon, everyone will be inspired by everyone. This is the candidate I vote for. I voted for myself and all of us to remember ourselves as unconditional love. It is the only candidate ever to fully keep their promise. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️


My actual ballot.

A Bed For Bug

It was sometime during the week of July 4th, 2016. I was getting ready for work and noticed my cat, Bug, was staring into space with his back toward me. I had never seen him do that. I disregarded it. I had a friend over a week later and Bug was always skittish and never came out to meet new people unless they had been there for a few hours. He came out and acted very different than I had seen him. He was very close and rested his head on my friend. He then started to walk around us in a circle. Maybe a day or two later I was sitting on the floor and he started walking around me in circles and yowling in a way I hadn’t heard him do before. It was then I realized something was off.

From the info I found, it seemed like Bug had a stroke. I read about eyesight also being affected and when I put my hand in front of him, it was like nobody was home. I thought he went completely blind.

It had only been three months since I put down Miso. I wasn’t expecting this at all. Bug was always skittish and nervous. He was also pretty vocal. Over the years he learned how to respond to me vocally. It always made me laugh when I would ask him how he was doing and he’d respond with a regular meow. Then I’d ask him a more in depth question and he’d pause then meow with some uncertainty. We had our timing down like a comedic team.

Out of all the cats I’ve had in my lifetime, Bug was the only one I chose. One was a stray when I was younger I named Samantha. Actually, I don’t recall if I named her but I consider her my first cat. When I moved in with the woman who became my wife, we inherited a cat named Iggy from the landlord. Later on, Miso chose her when we lived in a neighborhood with a lot of stray cats. We put Iggy down in 2003 and a couple years later wanted to get a kitten. We went to a shelter and there were only two kittens there; both white and from the same litter. We each gravitated to a different one and we both wanted the one we chose. She left the final decision up to me.

Had there been three kittens there, I could’ve just chosen one and felt fine. But the thought of leaving one behind by himself just tore me up inside. I couldn’t do it. We had enough money so I decided let’s take them both home and they’ll be with each other. The funny thing was a young couple came in before we left and I felt had me taken only one, they would’ve taken the other. That may just be a story I created because the sense of being alone was so strong.

Bug had these almond shaped green eyes that just pulled me in. That’s what did it. I was connected to those eyes. Bug got his name because when he was small. He had what looked like a grey ‘H’ on his head. My wife came up with names for both. The other was named Soda off of a Seinfeld episode where George Costanzia is saying a good girl’s name would be Seven. I think he also said Soda too. She named Miso after the soup she liked. When we divorced, I took Miso, Bug & Soda with me and moved to North Carolina.

Now Miso was gone and Bug seemed to be gone too. Miso and Bug were closer than Bug and Soda. I felt from a higher point of view that Bug was leaving because he missed Miso. With Miso’s passing, I got in meditation that he was there for a purpose for me to help me through a few difficult periods. He was my shadow and stuck right by me. After those things had come and gone, there was nothing left for him to do. It took a year but he left. Whereas Miso helped keep me grounded during that time, Bug was a reflection of a part of me. His sensitivity reflected back that part of me and I had to learn how to deal with that part of myself looking back at me. While it wasn’t a child, since I’ve never had any, it was as close as I got to it.

The friend I mentioned earlier became my girlfriend right at that time and I always felt Bug knew she came into my life and he can now move on. For the last three years I had been involved with Sound Healing and Trinity Energy Progression. Trinity really changed me and I know my cats all felt that. But what growth does is move you away from someone who isn’t going on the same path. While that can be sad, it’s a wonderful thing for that person to grow. Bringing this person into my life was a manifestation of that growth and also said I didn’t need Bug anymore to reflect back to me what he did for 11 years. I had grown past that and let that go but now there would be a physical letting go and this was the way Bug chose to do his part of it.

I didn’t know what to do with him so I asked my guidance if it would be best to bring him to the vet. I got ‘no’. I didn’t know what to make of that but I went with it. I had read some animals over time could be themselves again after a stroke so I hoped that’s what was going to happen. I had to guide him around sometimes. I sat and watched him eat and realized he could get food into his mouth, but it would fall out. And when he drank water, it was a sip at a time rather than a constant drinking like he used to do.

Bug was overweight. He had been most of his life. He didn’t eat more but he was a fuzzy, white tank. I always felt because of his personality that he kept the weight on as emotional protection. And though I have always been thin, I also had my own emotional protection that I used when interacting with the world. I feel Bug was showing me that. Ironically, his brother Soda has the best personality of any cat I’ve ever had. Totally different from Bug. Maybe they were both taken away from their mother soon but it came out in different ways.

I had a trip coming up in two months time and hoped Bug would make it through. He seemed to be getting worse as far as his eyesight and his yowling. As I had done when Miso was ill, I reached out to an animal communicator named Gerald Bunch. He said that Bug felt confused and his body doesn’t feel all there and that things don’t always work and he has to concentrate to do anything. Gerald also said this is what people have said to him that have had strokes. He said Bug knows his time might be near but didn’t know. He trusted me for the timing of his passing.

Gerald asked Bug if he talks to Miso and got yes and he’s in the house watching over all of us. When asked what does Miso say to him the answer was ‘Go with the flow’ which is a main theme in Trinity. During the call, Gerald twice suggested taking Bug to the vet even though I told him my guidance. I figured if he’s saying it more than once, maybe I’m being told something. When I asked my guidance I got a ‘yes’ this time so I took him.

The vet seemed to think it might be a tumor rather than a stroke. My guidance said stroke, but I didn’t bring that into it. They did some blood work and I had to get a urine sample, as they were unsuccessful at it. That made me real nervous but thankfully, Bug rose to the occasion by peeing in the carrier on the way home and I got the sample. The tests were inconclusive. They were hoping it was an infection, which they could help with. The next step was going the MRI route to find out what’s going on. I knew I wasn’t spending that much money only to spend more on something that may not be able to be dealt with. In the higher perspective, Bug knew I wouldn’t do that too and chose something where he knew his path out would be clear.

The other reason I feel I got a ‘yes’ to go to the vet at that time was that Bug was losing weight. He was 21 pounds when I brought him in two months earlier. After a month since the stroke happened, he was down to 17 pounds. That’s four pounds in a month. I was hoping he could hold out until after my trip in late September, but he may have more problems before that with losing weight so quickly. That helped me to make the decision a few days later.

My other reason was I felt really sad about Soda being left alone. He had never been on his own in the house and if Bug got put down, then he’d be by himself in the house for five days and that was hard for me to feel good about. But one thing Soda said to Gerald was that he is my rock. Nothing seems to faze him including Miso’s passing. But what this has brought out in me is a real sadness about being left alone despite the fact that I live alone and prefer it that way. There is something deeper that is being made conscious for me to look at.

Every time I asked guidance if putting Bug down was the best thing I got ‘yes’. But it was very hard to accept. Miso looked sick, Bug didn’t aside from the blindness. My ego wanted to see him looking in a way that ‘made sense’ to it that it was his time. I was also comparing Bug to Miso when they were two different cats with two different ways of passing. I made the appointment on Tuesday and confirmed it on Wednesday.

Usually on Wednesdays, I scoop out the cat litter. When I did it this day, a bunch of bugs flew out of it. This has happened before especially when it’s humid, but there were more than I recall seeing ever before. I got the connection right away; bugs. But what I didn’t know was this was for a few days later. Since taking Trinity, I stopped killing most bugs. I always did because I didn’t like them in my apartment or around me outside. But it started to feel wrong to do so I refrain from doing it. Now I allow them to live when in my apartment and even help them out of the window. So I had a lot of bugs flying around and I’m also aware they were in the litter box. That made me uncomfortable. They were so small I thought maybe they could go in between the mesh of the window screen. I had my windows closed because of air conditioning. I opened the top of a window when I saw some there and sure enough, they found their way out. I felt better about that. A day later I found a couple of ants in my bathroom and said out loud, “This is too much” and killed them both. It didn’t feel right, but I noticed how I didn’t stop to think about it. I saw that my love had a limit and it needed to be looked at.

I was trying to grieve Bug before he went just like I did with Miso, but this was harder because Bug was a reflection of me. I was saying goodbye to myself and it was harder to grieve it. I felt by killing bugs, I was going backwards because of the grief involved. I killed a few more that week. One was a cockroach at 1:30 in the morning. I was surprised I got him on the first swing. I felt it was part of my grief to go back to killing bugs because I was having a hard time crying about this.

I triggered myself into grieving my watching the last two minutes of a Futurama episode called Jurassic Bark. If you’ve seen it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It brought out my feeling of a loved one never coming back. I’m a child of divorce and this hits strongly on that. I felt much better.

Friday was Bug’s last full day and suddenly he was his old self again. I hadn’t seen this cat in six weeks and he was back. It was great to be with him that day and I thought what a great last day to have. But I also felt guilty that maybe he’s getting better and putting him down is untimely. He wasn’t trying to eat or drink much anymore and that’s a sure signal, but I had a hard time shaking that feeling. He had gotten real good at following sound where it looked like he had his eyesight back. He didn’t look like he was losing weight, but his mid section was smaller. He playfully bit me a few times that day.

Since the stroke, I would be woken up by his yowling during the night. My front door is downstairs and he would find his way down but couldn’t figure out how to get back up. That worried me that he’d be stuck there while I was at work and one day I did find him there. I put an ironing board in front of the stairs and that worked.

The appointment was for Saturday at 10am. I had it done in my apartment just as with Miso. There was no need to stress them out anymore and it is well worth this service. I used one called Lap Of Love. When the vet arrived, I asked her if a pet has gotten better right before this and she said yes. She called it a last hurrah. People have cancelled on the day only to call back a day later or even that same day to say their pet has taken a turn for the worse. She also felt that if Bug had a tumor, his personality may be back because the brain will shrink to give the tumor more space so it stops pushing against nerves. But then the tumor continues to get bigger and the pet can get worse. She let me take all of that in and make sure this is what I felt is best and I did. Bug was still acting like himself when I picked him up. He clawed me good on my stomach. It took longer than Miso’s did. The vet had a hard time finding a vein so she had to give him the final injection in the abdomen. I was calm while watching this, but when I think back on it, it’s a difficult picture to watch. Bug was already sedated by this point and felt no pain.

I was watching for his last breath and thinking also of Miso. Suddenly I saw Miso in my mind’s eye pop up and the words ‘He’s here!’ appeared. I said to the vet that I though he was gone. She checked and confirmed it. Bug passed away at 10:44am. The vet went to get a basket to put him in so I could carry him to her car where she’d take him to be cremated. I remember looking at Bug’s lips and seeing that they has turned blue. They were always pink. I picked him up and brought him to Soda so he’d know what was going on. He didn’t stick around, as he was too nervous about someone unknown in the apartment. I think he knew beforehand anyway. He had taken to a new hiding spot lately because I think he was stressed out by Bug.

The vet came back and when she tried to put Bug in the basket she usually puts cats in, she realized he was too big. She went and got a blanket instead and wrapped him in it. I carried him down just as I did with Miso and said my final goodbye to him and thanked the vet. I couldn’t believe just four months ago I had three cats and now I was down to one. It was so quiet.

I continued to grieve but felt very quickly like it was still difficult to mourn Bug. Monday morning I woke up and had those really clear thoughts you can have before your brain fully wakes up. The bugs came to mind along with the sentence ‘I am killing bugs’. Right after that came the sentence ‘I killed Bug’. I knew right there I felt I had put him down too soon. I knew I had to grieve Bug in this way to release this energy.

I sit on my couch when I meditate and opposite me is a door with wood grain. I said out loud to Bug that I needed to see him in some way to help me grieve and release this. I had noticed on this door a small pattern that looked like a dog face that I had never noticed before. As I was gazing at the door suddenly a big cat face appeared in the wood and I started crying intensely. I was doubled over as I wept and when that wave finished I sat back up only for another grief wave to come out. It happened a third time and each time I was pushing very hard like I was pushing my breath and all of this energy out of me. It was a huge release. When I came back up after the third time it stopped. I could still see the cat head in the door. I completely believe it had always been there but only became visible to me when I needed it to. The same thing happened after Miso passed and two days later I saw an indent on my wall I had never noticed before that looks exactly like a cat. It was their way of communicating with me and letting me know they are still with me as I am with them.

I asked Bug the day he was put down if this was best for him and every time I asked I got ‘YES!!!’ That initially didn’t make the grief easier, but over time I felt I had done the best thing. The grieving stopped after that. It ended so quickly I felt guilty about not grieving him anymore. I looked for the feeling inside but didn’t find anything that needs to be expressed.

I ended up taking my trip and Soda was alone for a few days. I feel I projected my guilt onto him before I left, but once I left, I let it go. That was my ego trying to change my mind about my growth I would experience on this trip. Once I walk out the door, the ego lets go. Soda’s food was taken care of by a neighbor. He was fine once I got back though I still felt guilty for a day or two afterwards and felt I wasn’t spending enough time with him. After that, I felt much better and stopped judging the amount of time I spent with him.

As I had with Miso, I wanted to write a blog about it, but found myself not really moved to do it and felt guilty some more about that until I sat down and just started writing it. I feel I finished grieving quickly because of the force of the last waves of grief and I was really ready to let that reflection of me go. I don’t miss it. I miss Bug and wish he could’ve grown with me, but it wasn’t what he was here to do. He was to reflect back to me and show me when I’ve grown past that and I thank him so much for that.






Miso & Bug


Sometime in 2014 I was driving home from work. I wanted to go to a store and get something, but I was also in a pissy mood from work. It was on my way home and I knew if I didn’t go that day, I’d have to go on another. I was at an intersection that had a gas station on the corner with a digital display of its prices. Gas was $2.34. As I drove through the intersection, I asked my guidance, “Is it best and highest for me to go to the store today?” Right as I finished asking, my eyes involuntarily went to the rearview mirror where I could see the digital gas prices backwards. Do you know what 234 says backwards? It spells the word ‘Yes’. I started laughing and that washed away any resistance I had. The universe got me with humor which works all the time. I went to the store and got a great example of how the universe answers out of it.

The Inside/Outside Storm

I had a stressful day at my job. Actually, I saw it as a stressful day. I carried it home with me. I meditated and I was really angry at my own anger for bubbling up. A storm started to move through. For whatever reason, I started to draw my ego out by taunting it; a move that didn’t seem to match the idea of meditating. As I did this, the storm got more intense. This was no coincidence; for me, the storm was reflecting what I was bringing to the surface. I kept at it and said for my ego to show me what it’s got and it rained harder. “Is that all you got?” I asked. It gave me even more. I couldn’t see out my window there was so much rain. At a certain point, I just started laughing and loved the storm that was raging all around me. This is where I needed to get to; loving the storm that I create; and love it all the time. The storm was the message I had received when I was very young; ‘You are not worthy of unconditional love when you get angry and there is no reason for you to get angry. All it does is make others upset. Think of others first and don’t be selfish!’ The storm was me getting to that point of loving myself even when I am angry and knowing I am worthy of unconditional love even then. I went to an open window smiling and said to the storm, “I love you!” It was the best storm I ever had.

From a Cat to a Comforter

This story starts with my cat, Miso, who transitioned on April 16th. I got to grieve him for four and a half days beforehand. It was during that grieving that I meditated more and in that I asked to feel my feelings so I would grieve. What I really felt, for the first time consciously, was Miso’s unconditional love for me. A few weeks before, I was in touch with an animal communicator named Gerald Berning. He had conversations with all 3 of my cats. It was really nice to hear they are happy with their lives and while noticing the change in my energy of the last two years as I have been on my spiritual path, they find comfort in it. They all loved me too. After Miso’s transition, I was so glad to have heard what he had to say.

There was one meditation where I really felt Miso’s unconditional love for me. Actually, what I felt was my allowing of Miso’s love to go really deep. I had been blocking everyone’s love for me at a deeper level, but I didn’t consciously know this until Miso’s eminent passing broke through that. I allowed it in and that love got to where it needed to go. It instantly healed those pieces of me. While still in that meditation, I became aware of what happened and the thought I had was, ‘I bet manifesting will happen faster now.’ I just knew that the deeper you loved yourself, the quicker you can manifest things.

A few days later, I was looking at my savings account. I thought, ‘It would be nice for that outside number on my total to go up one.’ It was approaching a certain number so I said an intention to make that happen. That Thursday, I was going to go to see Gerald Berning speak at a place called Simple Bliss Spa. He was talking about his book on animal communication and I wanted to get a book and tell him about Miso. But I was asked to stay later at work so something could get done and the owner wasn’t comfortable running a particular machine to finish it. So I volunteered to stay. While I was bothered at staying, I was really on the fence about going because I had a real intensely emotional day along with allergies that acted up most of the day draining my energy. I didn’t care to go through the traffic of I-40 so staying at work didn’t really matter too much.

We used to have an Employee of the Month bonus of $100, but the owner has let that slide over the last 8 months and no one has said anything. It’s a program suggested by someone else where everyone votes for who they feel deserves it and why, but I don’t think he really cared for it so he just let it lapse. When the job I was waiting for finally came through, I did my part. The owner said, “I know we haven’t done it in a while, but I’m going to put you in for Employee of the Month.” I just smiled not really believing him. I thought it was just nervous conversation. I thought he was just saying, ‘Thanks for staying and doing this’. I got out over an hour and a half late and went home. The next day, he hands me an envelope with the words April 2016 Employee of the Month and my name written on it. “Oh, thank you,” was all I said. So here is $100 I manifested in a day or two.

I stopped by my bank and deposited it. I later went back out to get something and decided to stop by Bed, Bath & Beyond. I wanted to look at what they had for pillows and comforters. I was in need of new ones and wasn’t sure how much they cost. I don’t shop very often aside from groceries and when I do, I am waiting for a feeling that tells me ‘That’s the one’. But that can take a while. I was shopping for pillows and it was like I was shopping for a car; try this one, that one, a third, go back to the first. I was also looking for a comforter design I liked, but it had to work with my cats. The other two cats I have are white and they shed…a lot. It’s everywhere and the comforter I had was a busy design that kind of hid the hair that is always on it. So I was looking for something in particular, but I didn’t know what it was. I don’t know how long I was there, but it was over an hour. Once I accepted how much comforters cost, I walked through it all yet again looking and thinking about what I wanted.

They had comforters and pillows on clearance. I kept going back to the pillows and felt I found the ones that felt right. They were more expensive, but marked down were the top end of what I wanted to pay. There was one comforter set that seemed different in the clearance section. It was called the Goddess comforter set by a company named Under The Canopy. The designers are clearly lightworkers. The picture showed a goddess on the pillows and I thought it might be a bit too much female-wise. I wasn’t frilly or anything, it was the goddess part. I thought it was really cool to see that and I did like the color scheme and the design, but I put it back and kept looking. I wasn’t planning on buying one that night anyway. I just wanted to look at designs and prices. The longer I was there I thought, ‘This clearance isn’t going to last forever. This may be the best time and I can save some money.’ I went back around to that set and looked at it again. I realized I did really like it. I thought everything pictured came with it. I figured I could always give what I didn’t use away. I only really needed the comforter. I know people who would like it. No, check that, love this. I bought it. It wasn’t until later that it hit me; it was marked down from $149.99 to $99.99; practically the exact amount I had unexpectedly been given a few hours before!

I got home and could see a little of the underside of the comforter. There were words on it. ‘Oh, what it is?’ I was a bit nervous because I didn’t know there were words as part of the design. The picture on the front didn’t show that. I opened it up and looked at that side. I couldn’t believe it. The whole side is off-white with small sentences in lines covering the whole thing. I read what was there and was even more amazed:

My heart is open to experience life.

I strive to become.

Love is personified in warm, loving energy.

I flow through the earth like I strive to become.

I am the goddess of love.

I am finding my goddess within.

I am divine.

I was astounded at how perfect this is for me. I now have a comforter that is covered in creation statements! Every night I sleep within creation statements! What a wonderful idea to have statements printed on anything and have them always with you. The writing is small so it doesn’t announce itself because it doesn’t need to. It quietly goes about itself and is there to be enjoyed. That’s me. That’s me completely. I did a meditation that night and my statement was all the statements on the comforter. Nothing stood out from that meditation other than the deep happiness of how everything had happened. And it all started with allowing a pet’s love into the deepest parts of me.

While writing this, it was between these paragraphs that I wrote the title From A Cat To A Comforter. As I wrote that, I realized there is another level to it. If you read the word comforter as an action someone is doing, I gave Miso comfort in his last days and it has manifested in me allowing me to give comfort, by giving a comforter, to myself. In the bigger picture, Miso is also the comforter. He helped me remember how to comfort myself.

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A Gift From Miso

It started on April 11, 2016. My cat, Miso, had been losing weight and sneezing for the past year. His personality was still there, it’s just he was just losing weight. I got him when he was a kitten in 2001. I have two other cats, Bug & Soda. I was feeding them when I noticed Miso was even thinner. When you live with a pet every day, you can miss the subtle changes. He also didn’t eat. I realized that he was telling me his time was approaching. I immediately looked up euthanizing on the internet to see what was local. I found a place called Lap Of Love who come to your house. That was perfect. I didn’t want Miso to be stressed out by a car ride. I wrote them and got the by the next day, had an appointment scheduled for Saturday April 16th. I actually felt bad keeping him around until then. He was really having trouble breathing. He had to find a good position for his face so he could breathe. Once the appointment was made, I started to grieve. I usually meditate once a day, but I started to do twice so I could get in touch with my feelings and also send Miso energy to help his transition.

A few weeks before, I had a session with an animal communicator. I wondered how all of my cats were doing. What I got back was everyone was fine and loved me very much. When Miso was asked about his sneezing, he said his energy was low and that he knew he wouldn’t be around much longer.

Tuesday night, I gave treats to all the cats. Miso ate up as many as I put in front of him. I felt better and planned to give him treats every night since he only had a few days left. Tuesday was the last time I saw him eat anything. He had been drinking more water over the past year and had developed the habit of going into the shower after I used it and drinking the water that was there. I saw him go to drink water out of his bowl, but stop. I thought maybe he couldn’t breath because the bowl was beneath him on the floor. Maybe if he drank out of the shower faucet, he could breathe easier. He responded to it and this became a portion of our quality time together. He drank two or three times during the evening so at least he was getting some water.

All three cats had spots on the bed at night. They weren’t always there, but Miso was my shadow. He was usually there, but this week, he wasn’t there that much. I have a Tom Kenyon cd called Songs of Magdelan. There is a song on it called I & My Beloved. When I first heard the song eleven years before, I felt this is the music I want to hear when I transition. It was just so beautiful. Thursday night, I put on the cd as I was going to bed. Miso was on the floor near the bed. With tears in my eyes I said to him, “This is for you Miso”. Before the end of the first song, he jumped onto the bed and sat down by my side. The song I & My Beloved is the second song on the cd.

I was drifting in and out of consciousness while the cd was on. Suddenly I saw a grassy hillside and saw what I would call bubbles in the grass. What I immediately felt was I was seeing the cells of the grass and they were vibrating. At the same time this is happening, I feel a presence come into me. These two things happening within a few seconds when all of the sudden, Miso puts his paw on my hand and it snaps me out of it. I spoke with a friend of mine and what she got about that is it was Miso’s higher self coming in and when Miso touched me, it was to share his higher and lower selves with me at the same time.

It was around this time that I really became conscious of Miso’s unconditional love for me. I knew he was here for me to help me through some situations, but also to keep me grounded. As the days counted down, I wept while feeling that love from him. A love I never asked for, but he gave freely and consistently. It was one particular meditation where that broke through. I didn’t realize there were still deep parts of me that resisted a pets, or a persons, unconditional love because I did not love myself at that level. I felt I finally allowed his love into the deep areas and felt it instantly heal them. I wept intensely.

Friday was his last full day. I usually changed the litter boxes on the weekends, but I wanted to do it on Friday because I didn’t know how I’d feel on Saturday. While I was changing them I realized I only have to put out two litter boxes now instead of three. Miso wasn’t eating and he started drinking less also. I cleaned the boxes, and then put one in the closet. It was weird seeing only two after over a decade of seeing three. Then I fed them and did the same thing; I washed all the bowls, and put one away. I felt ok with it, but it was emotional to look at.

Miso wanted to get under the sink in the bathroom. He seemed curious. I thought that was a good sign. I opened the doors and let him in which I normally wouldn’t. After being in the a few minutes, he sat down on a folded up shower curtain and that’s when it hit me; he’s chosen his place to die. I kept the doors open from then on.

There were times I had to walk away and occupy myself. Give myself a break from all of this. When Miso went under the sink, I went to watch tv for a little bit. About a half hour later, I went to check on him. When I saw him under the sink, his mouth was open and I thought he had died. I said, “Oh my God!” out loud. Miso woke up and noticing my reaction, got up and walked out from the sink as if to say, “No, I’m still here! See, I’m walking around!”

From that point on, I couldn’t switch off from him. I sat in front of the sink and meditated for and with him. When I closed my eyes, I immediately felt and saw a light being in my crown chakra. I also saw two rainbows in the distance. It wasn’t until the next day that I remembered that pets go to Rainbow Bridge when they pass. I wasn’t sure he would make it through the night. I said to him that if he chose to go that night, I was ok with it, but I felt I wanted to be with him when he did go. I had to fight myself to get to sleep that night. I kept waking up every hour and a half and would look in the dark to see if he was out. Surprisingly, he was. He was just sitting, not doing anything. I only got about four hours sleep that night.

Saturday, April 16th. The doctor was coming at 12:30. That morning felt so long. I would spend time with Miso, and then take a little break. The doctor called and said she’d be there at about 12:50. I sat with him, I cried. I talked with my other cats saying Miso was about to leave us. The doctor came and she spoke to me about what would happen. I had experienced this before thirteen years previously, but I didn’t have any time to grieve beforehand then. This time, I had four and a half days to grieve and be with Miso.

The doctor said she’d give a sedative first, then the drug that helps him pass. She said some cats can pass with just the sedative. I thought for sure Miso would do that figuring he was tired just trying to breathe. She also said cats can go like a light switch; one moment here, then gone. I got Miso from under the sink and had my final walk with him in my arms. I put him on a towel on my couch. He tried to get away when being given the sedative. It was his last display of his personality. Once that was done, he calmed down. But he didn’t pass and I was surprised. I kept petting him and saying I loved him and that I would miss him. The doctor waited a minute or so for the sedative to take full effect. Then she injected the final dose. I watched the tube; some of Miso’s blood came out, then she pushed the drug in. As soon as it hit him, he stopped breathing. I wept at that moment, but later I realized it was more relief than upset that he was gone. I was happy that he was finally free and at peace. The clock read 12:53.

The doctor said it would be good to have the other cats come in and see Miso so they knew what was happening. The other two are skittish so I carried Miso into the bedroom and put the cats in front of him. Soda left pretty quickly. Bug sniffed him a bit, and then left. The doctor brought in a basket to take Miso’s body away to be cremated. I didn’t ask for his ashes, but I did get a clay paw print and some fur which felt right to me. I carried Miso in the basket out to the doctor’s car and said my final goodbye to him. It was after this that interesting things happened.

I actually felt alright the rest of the day between grieving and that night I spoke with a friend on the phone who is a Trinity Energy Progression Facilitator like myself. We do shares over the phone. It’s meditating with an intention we call Creation Statements. It’s about what we want to manifest in the now and nothing else.

After the share, I was in the bathroom and noticed a line indention in my skin on the side of my right eye. I had never seen that before. There wasn’t one on the other side. Because Miso had just passed that day I asked my guidance if this had to do with him and got ‘yes’. My ‘yes’ is a tingle in my right hand; a ‘no’ is a tingle in my left. I noticed the line the next day also. In meditation, I asked if it was something from a past life with the soul of Miso. He and I had incarnated together before, both as human. The answer I got was there was a lifetime where he accidently killed me, and the line represented where it happened. In a meditation, I said out loud to Miso that I forgave him and another grief wave came over me. But this one was different. I don’t know how I knew, but I could tell immediately the grief was not mine, it was Miso’s. I forgave him and he grieved with relief just like I did the moment he stopped breathing. I had never had that experience before. The next day as I was getting ready to go to work, I was doing some yoga. I was facing a wall I’ve always faced and suddenly noticed something on the wall. I’ve lived in this apartment for over four years and I never noticed it until now. There was an indention on the wall that was unmistakably the outline of a cat and I did not notice it until two days after Miso passed. I knew it was him.

The day before, on Sunday, I could feel a palpable sense of peacefulness in my apartment. I had never felt that before and that strong. It was wonderful. I thought it was what Miso’s passing had created. It wasn’t until later in the day I asked myself if this peacefulness was me and got ‘yes’. That amazed me that I was putting this feeling out so much that I felt it coming back to me.

Miso showed me unconditional love right to, and after, his transition and that was very healing for me. I also realized that Miso helped me get to self-actualization. I was a psychology major in college and I hardly remember any of it except for Maslow’s triangle. I remember saying to another psych major that I wanted to be self-actualized someday, even though I wasn’t quite sure what it meant. I would’ve found it very hard to believe if I was told a future pet cat of mine would get me there. One of Miso’s agreements was to help me get there. The validation came when talking to a friend and telling everything that had happened. I was sitting with an Organite Pyramid that was made specifically for me. While talking, I was running my finger of the top point when my friend said something about being self-actualized. Right then, I knew I had instant validation; I had reached the top of the Maslow’s Triangle. I actually had a bit of a hard time accepting that I was actually there. I had actually achieved something I said I wanted years before and hadn’t really thought about too much. Then, what felt like suddenly, I was there with confirmation. Even as I write this, it’s still amazing to me. It’s great to feel worthy of it which was the hesitation in accepting I was actually there; I was surprised I felt worthy to be there. A lot of work had shown itself to me in that moment; I didn’t realize I felt that worthy; it just happened as I continued to work on myself. Miso’s passing made all of that conscious.

During the next week, I had a few grief waves, but felt maybe it wasn’t enough. That I should grieve a little more, but that feeling quickly subsided. I knew I was doing however much I needed to do. I had one on the Tuesday after that was the most intense. I was sitting in a chair when it came on and I doubled over. I was pushing my fingernails really hard into my palm. It stayed at this intensity for maybe ten seconds, which even while going through it felt like a long time. I wondered when it was going to end. Not because it was emotionally upsetting, but because of the intensity. It felt like I was pushing all of the energy I had on this out of me all at once. After that, the grief waves stopped until the next Saturday. I relived the whole thing as the time of 12:53pm came around. It was intentional and I grieved for what so far has been the last time.

The next day, I did another Trinity share by phone and afterwards looked in the mirror again. The line had reappeared. As I looked at it and it suddenly became clear to me what it was; it was an indention from my phone against my face. In the past, this would have made me doubt the guidance I got about it being a past life injury, but what I couldn’t overlook was that I’ve had the same phone for a year and a half. The day I notice that this happens is the day Miso passes. There is a reason why I noticed it at that time and it was to keep my trust in what my guidance showed me. The same with the cat indent on the wall. I asked if it had been there as long as I’ve been living there and got ‘yes’, but I didn’t notice it until two days after Miso passes. That’s not a coincidence.

The unconditional love I allowed in from Miso helped me show Bug & Soda more affection than I had before. It was easier to get to. Plus when I had three cats, I couldn’t pet them all at the same time. Someone was always not getting petted. But now with only two cats, I can pet both at the same time. I wasn’t aware of how Miso was always around me most of the time. The first week he was gone, I really missed him. I didn’t realize I would miss a cat always being near me in the same room. With the past life revelation, I can now see why he stuck to me like glue as much as he could; he was making up for that lifetime. I was told this was his last incarnation. He was here to help me through a few things. It was hard to grasp how peeing on the carpet was helping me. I was told it was to ground me as I went through some big stuff. Couldn’t you just give me a pep talk, Miso? Maybe he had, numerous times, but it didn’t quite register that way.

Miso’s passing and the unconditional love I still feel from him, along with the past life info, have made this an amazing growth experience for me. I have called to him in my meditations and he shows up every time. It has been truly wonderful to know love at this level and more so, to allow myself love at this level which I hadn’t felt I was worthy of. Now I do and I easily accept and give it.

Something happened while I was writing this. I wrote up to the day Miso passed and needed to take a break from it. I was feeling sad and got down on the floor to with Soda. Bug knows when petting is happening and he’s not the one receiving it. He came into the room and Soda moved into the kitchen. Let me set the scene; it’s about 7:30 at night. Still a bit light, but getting dark. I don’t have a light on in the kitchen, where Soda is, or the room Bug and myself are in, but there is a light on in the living room, which is shining some light into these two rooms. Soda is sitting looking right at me and I’m looking at him. Suddenly, I see a small black object appear to be falling right behind Soda. It hits the floor and Soda scatters. I turn on the light in the kitchen and nothing is there. Nothing had fallen and it wasn’t Soda making a move first, and then scaring himself. I saw a falling black object appear and heard it make a sound. Since I was thinking about Miso, I asked my guidance if that was Miso and got ‘yes’. I laughed. He knew I could find it funny when Soda & Bug get scared like that. I got that he did it to help me feel better rather than feel sad about him. It was perfect.